Attachment

 Attachment Theory. It's big and you should take some time to get to know it. I was an attachment/parent coach for 10 years before becoming a parent. Let's take a surface look. 

Attachment theory states that a child's first relationship is a love relationship that will have profound long-lasting effects on an individual's subsequent development. Closeness to the attachment figure provides protection and a psychological sense of security. 

Attachment at the infant level is simply- When my need is met, then I feel loved/secure/safe.
 Eventually I correlate these emotions to the person that I see most often meeting my needs. 

In other words- When I cry (state my needs) someone helps me (making me feel loved/safe/secure) and I learn over time that I am safe and secure because of this person that I see most often. What happens when my needs are not met consistently? I learn to turn off the emotion behind the need, or I learn to handle it myself. It's not OK to feel that way at that time, because it was inconvenient for my safe base. I'm on my own. 

So, when we discuss the "Cry It Out" method, I normally respond with the question, "What is IT?" "What are they crying out?" Hunger? Sadness/Isolation/Loneliness? Discomfort? Why am I teaching an infant that they are not allowed to feel those emotions anymore? 

We can go pretty deep into this topic. However, I prefer to stay at the surface level for now. Here is how I will end: I start with several deficits as a an adoptive parent. A deficit of time, I didn't get the privilege to carry this child for 9 months, a deficit of knowledge, I didn't have the privilege of choosing what happen to my child while in utero, and the deficit of attachment. I just got the baby that I have dreamed of having for YEARS. The absolute last thing, that I never even consider, is to just let that baby cry because it is inconvenient for me to feed the baby at 12 PM and they "need to learn the lesson of that's not what we do in life." 

Adoption- You start with a deficit of time, relationship, and a sense of knowing each other. My advice of adoptive parents is simple: Give a hefty amount of time to think and discuss with your significant other on how you will parent. 

For those who need more research about SUD, substance use disorder, and attachment with adoptees please visit here. Discussion that this research reviews is this: "The last decades have seen a substantial growth in studies on attachment and SUDs. Despite methodological problems, the general link between insecure attachment and SUD today is well established. Attachment theory might contribute to the understanding and treatment of SUDs in a significant way. But to do so, a lot of open questions have to be answered. We will need more carefully designed longitudinal studies, more studies connecting psychological data with brain processes, and more clinical trials."

Why knowing about attachment theory and how it can help combat SUD if it was a problem within utero, check out this research review. And also here is a good review of attachment and SUD. 

Disclaimer: In all adoption trainings, you go over the effects of trauma/mental health/and substance abuse within utero. Just because I know a lot about this, doesn't mean this immediately relates to the children that we have adopted/fostered. As previously mentioned, I had been an attachment/parent coach for a non-profit for 10 years.... you gain a lot of knowledge about a plethora of topics and challenges. Attachment is usually a substantial on-going discussion within the adoptive community. Education leads to less fear of the unknown and gives you a plan that provides a secure base for you to take on any challenge that may come your way. 

To end this post, I will just simply state that this week has been a more difficult one. Filled with heavier emotions and me wrestling to manage my thoughts. Often we like to think about every possible outcome, because that helps us feel prepared. This isn't the correct way of handling things!! Ha! I will explore those feelings more in the coming posts. 

Wishing you all are well! 

Fun fact- E's favorite time is Christmas. Jo loves winter. Ryan just hates shoveling the driveway, but bakes like a champion throughout the whole season. There is Oma and Opa behind us!