Continued Baby Story

 A mom stopped me as I was walking out of my daughter's school one morning. She stated, "I have been reading your blog! What was it like being in the hospital, holding a baby that was going to be yours, but still someone else's? What is it like to be handed a baby after the birth with all the birth family around?" 

I loved hearing these questions because the feelings that I felt 4 and 1/2 years ago were automatically triggered. It seems like yesterday I was in that hospital. I can recall the hallways, where the front desk was, the nursery, what the nurses said, the sounds, and how uncomfortable that bed was! 

First, we were both really nervous. Right after the birth is the time that it might become real to the birth mom too. She finally gets to see and hold the baby she has carried for 9 months, cuddle, kiss and feed them. Attachment starts forming even stronger bonds. It's not uncommon to see birth moms go through a wide range of emotions in a very short time once she sees the baby and realize what is about to be given up. I think this is why Ryan and I sat quietly to the side, observing, smiling, and waiting as all the family talk, smile, and play pass the baby around. It was the birth mom who asked if we wanted to hold her. Of course, tears were shed when it was our chance to hold her. It was a little uncomfortable knowing that we were being closely observed, they knew our hope of keeping this baby was strong. It was also sad getting a sense of all the loss they were about to go through. Feeling slightly selfish of the joy we were gaining. What a complex and beautiful moment about how 2 very different families were coming together, navigating very complex emotions, all for the love of 1 child. 

For the first night after Zoe was born, we went back to a hotel. The birth mom stated she wanted Zoe to sleep in the same room with her for the first night. So, we went back and slept in our own hotel that was close to the hospital. At 3 AM, I received a text from the birth mom asking if I were awake and to come back early. (I saved all my text messages from this time...) We went back to the hospital the next day and the amazing staff stated that they had a room ready for us. We could stay there with Zoe, even though the birth mom was being discharged. (Those nurses were AMAZING to us.) This was really good news! Except I didn't foresee what this actually meant for me as the adoptive mom. 

The birth mom handed Zoe over, gave her a hug, gave me a hug, and said goodbye. She promised to come back every other day to see how things were going. 

1. Zoe wasn't eating well, dropping weight, and was already a very tiny baby. Hence why she was being watched closely. 

2. While the baby is still in the hospital, parental rights cannot be relinquished. 

3. Ryan was unable to take paternity leave due to Zoe not legally being ours yet, because rights could not be relinquished... 

So, I said goodbye to my hubby, right after I said goodbye to the birth mom. Husband went back to our home state of Nebraska, and the birth family went their way. And there I was.... moved into a nursery room in a hospital with a newborn infant that wasn't quite mine and all alone. Nurses were my go-to support. I cried the first night while rocking Zoe. The nurse that came in to check on us was a German. Her accent was strong but she sat with me for 15 minutes talking about all the positive things that were going to come. Another nurse, Elizabeth, came and sat for even longer with me and gave me a few hugs. I didn't know how long I was going to be there alone. I couldn't tell anyone quite yet. We didn't have legal rights. Birth mom was coming back whenever.... and I was left with a helpless baby who needed a lot of love and care but could be someone else's at a moments notice. 

Whelp. There are all those emotions! As I said before- I had told my older sister. She got some phone calls throughout the coming hospital days. The nurses kept pushing me to do the things I love and go outdoors. My background in education and attachment made me very nervous about doing anything away from Zoe. We will explore attachment and what it means for adoptees more in-depth next blog post! Stay tuned!! 

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