Let Me Tell You What I Wish I had Known...

June 27, 2023

Let Me Tell You What I Wish I had Known...

*Cue Hamilton Soundtrack music.* (When I was young and dreamed of glory... You might be my person if you are singing along right now.)

Anyway-

Here is what I wish I had known before my first was adopted. Maybe, somebody out in the internet will read this one day and learn from my mistakes! (Or learn from what I was grateful I stayed firm on.)

1. Adoption is a long road. Get your mindset right.

It's a marathon race. Those documents and paperwork are not a joke and will take days/weeks to complete. It comes down to the nitty-gritty details. (Hello Municipality code! I have to document my conversation with a city member on their ordinances and any changes I need to make to the home for an incoming possible adoption...) Ryan states that the adoption home study and gathering documents is the least fun, most arduous.

2. Get Your People

All people are needed: meet people, spread the word, and talk openly about adoption. That's great. However- Get YOUR people. The inner circle people. The ones that will ground you, hold you firm in truth, encourage you, and KNOW you. Yes, you need references and they need to know you. References cannot be family members.

3. Adoption isn't just about you gaining a baby.

All adoption stories are different. Open adoptions range from allowing the birth mom to sleep over and babysit their child to an agreement upon sending photos at certain times of the week and calling at specified times. No matter what your arrangement is, the baby was apart of the birth family's lives first and then yours. That can be difficult to emotionally navigate. However, once you have the baby and you know they are yours forever - why would you want to push away a piece of the child's life? As the child grows up you need to be ready to answer questions. It's a lot easier to answer questions when you have been open, honest, and you can say, "Go ask your birth mom." (As long as it is a safe relationship to do that with.) Point is- the child will want to know their roots. I will never reject where my daughter came from, because I cannot reject a critical piece of who she is. So, technically you gain a baby and that family. (With open adoptions.)

4. Legally speaking, get things wrapped up as quick as you can.

In most states, there is a waiting period where the child will be a ward of the state. (They are in the protection of the adoption/foster agency.) After a set amount of time, 6 months in the state of Nebraska, then the adoption can be finalized. After your court hearing, you will get the Adoption Decree. NEVER UNSTAPLE THIS DOCUMENT!!!! First get the new birth certificate with the name change on it and the adoptive parents' names on it. Next, start on the process for a name change on Social Security card. Don't wait too long on this. Yes, your documents and application for applying for a name change on the SS card will be DENIED if that Adoption Decree is unstapled. (Don't let the doctor's office rip apart those papers.....)

5. Emotions and requests will change from birth family.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster. They are on one as well. I found it best to be flexible and adapt to their needs, as long as they are in reason, and I was authentic in my communication. The grief is almost tangible, respect that, and not gush over them about your new found joy. Show tact and give space when needed. Provide more pictures and communication to help in the hard moments, if requested. There is no need to worry if they suddenly want to communicate more. They are just processing their emotions.

6. Adoption is a miracle.

It feels like you have won the lottery. (Just the winning feeling, not the winning money.... ha!) You just cannot believe you got chosen. It is surreal and amazing and nothing like you have ever felt before. Sometimes you do wonder why you were picked for that child. Whatever. Move on. It's amazing and you need to revel in that!

7. No Secrets.

You start talking about adoption from day 1. Be proud. Share with grace. Protect the sensitive portion's of your child's story. They may be family, but it's a "need to know basis." Allow them to be curious and ask questions. Share with integrity, humility, and pride.

8. Fear is Real.

But its grip on you will not always be constant. Yes, your child will have questions. Curiosity is a massive part of being a human. Yes, they will say things that you might think they would rather be with their birth mom/family. Be curious with them and ask some probing questions before you jump to that conclusion. Have faith that everything works out for the best. Faith that the child is yours. Faith that you are doing your best to raise them right. The knowledge that the child will grow into their own person and make their own choices. Love them through it all with boundaries.

There are probably more points, but that is what I will end with.

Just kidding- I will end by showing you some pictures of my most favorite human.

Much love to all of you. Thank you for sharing our story.